Thoughts on Disappointment
Not denied, just delayed
Seven years ago I was desperate for a new job. I was deeply unhappy and, like a sponge, I was absorbing all the negative energies of this toxic work environment and taking them home with me where they would explode out and into my personal life. I applied for job after job, feeling hopeless and rejected, and then a job role came along that made me think: that’s for me. I had such a good feeling about it. With confidence, I submitted an application I was proud of and I started to believe that I would be leaving. I had hope. Then, I received the crushing news that I hadn’t even been shortlisted for an interview. My partner and I were going out for dinner the night I got the news and I remember sitting in the restaurant sobbing, unbothered what the tables around us must have been thinking, I was just so shattered with disappointment.
What is disappointment?
Disappointment is when something we were hopeful would happen, doesn’t happen. Like jealousy and anger, it’s an emotion that we are taught not to linger on - sometimes it’s even suggested that it’s an emotion we shouldn’t allow ourselves to have. But it is an important emotion. It shows us what we want and what the hope of that thing means to us. Disappointment can hit hard. It can be crushing. But it can also be illuminating.
Rumination
Here’s my thoughts: disappointment can be helpful, rumination is not. Ruminating is repeated, unproductive thinking about what has disappointed you. Without moving forwards, it’s often a thought-loop going over and over the same thing, replaying the same conversation or event for days (or even longer).
And we all do it, myself included. Ruminating can so easily feel like progress - exploring every angle of something to try and see what could have been instead, but it’s not. It traps you. It keeps you distressed, it’s not offering solutions.
So how do we move forwards from disappointment without falling into rumination?
Acknowledge it, feel it
Sitting with “Yep, this hurts my soul is crushed” can be so tough but it’s the necessary first step. Allow yourself to feel the feels. If it means sobbing in a fancy restaurant, sob away. Pushing it down or ignoring the feelings won’t make them magically disappear, you know that. You’ve probably tried that in the past and been surprised when all those big emotions come out next time you experience a minor inconvenience. Give yourself permission to feel it, to notice where in your body those feelings are, and give them the chance to be felt.
Then, when you’re ready…
Ask yourself: what was I expecting?
As we said, disappointment is rooted in expectations. I expected to get that job and I expected to be able to move on with my life. I didn’t get an interview: obviously, I wasn’t the candidate they were looking for. But it hurt so much because I had expected everything to change and that as a result I would be happier.
So, what were you expecting? And, as much as it hurts, ask yourself if this was realistic or fair. What was within your control and what was beyond it?
Accept that it happened
Ooft. Easier said than done, eh? Acceptance is powerful, it’s clarifying, it will move you forwards. If we don’t accept what happened, we start to ruminate. We start to go round in those circles and thought loops: well, this person said this… I shouldn’t have done that… That wasn’t fair… If only… Ruminating, beating yourself up and resenting everyone around you, is not acceptance and is not going to help you progress. Just to note that all these steps take as long as they take, but the sooner you can start to accept what has happened, the sooner you’ll be moving forwards.
Release, love & forgive
A productive release might mean journaling or going out for a walk and screaming into the countryside. Have you tried EFT or somatic release with a qualified coach? Find what works for you. But start letting go of what’s happened and your feelings towards it. And then really release it - stop letting it take up rent free space in your brain. Someone once recommended to me writing it down on a piece of paper and then setting fire to it (in a safe environment) and bloody hell, I found that effective. Watching that piece of paper curl up in flames - incredibly satisfying.
Then, do something nice for yourself. Whether that’s a warm bubble bath, or watching your favourite film with a lil treat, maybe you book yourself a flight to a beach and go have a few nights sipping spicy margaritas - do something nice for you.
Then, forgive yourself. Even if you don’t feel like you’ve done anything wrong, forgive yourself. We can all be too hard on ourselves, criticise ourselves, be our own worst enemy. So take the opportunity to truly show yourself some love and forgiveness.
What’s next?
Ok so things didn’t go to plan. We’ve accepted, released, loved and forgiven. Now, what’s the new plan? What’s the next small step you can take? Starting to think about what actions you can take next can be really helpful in moving forwards.
En conclusion, mon amour
Sometimes rubbish things happen without rhyme or reason and disappointment hurts.
But there can be light in the darkness.
Moving forwards is a process and it takes time. My meditation teacher always says, nothing is ever denied but things can be delayed. I was not denied my new job, it was just delayed and yes, the job I ended up getting was so much better.
I hope this was helpful, and if you’re going through experiencing disappointment right now, I wish you all the best - it’s tough out there.
If you have your own thoughts or tips about moving through disappointment, let us know in the comments!
If you would like to try a meditation on the theme of letting go then listen here. Paid subscribers get access to my archive of meditations and movement practices, but you also have the option of a week’s free trial, if you would like to try before you buy 😊